Lost in thoughts

letting go....

Thursday, May 15, 2008 making-sweetness

--disclaimer: this is an emo post (i think...) so don't bother reading it if you don't want to. if you think i'm talking about you, i might just be. trust your gut-feeling. if you have no idea what i'm going on about, you probably aren't the intended audience (tia), or (if you are tia) you probably just an insensitive brute. either that or i'm pretty good at hiding my feelings. yar, i know people might think i'm not true to myself by hiding my emotions beneath that mask, but it's a form of self-protection. yeps. i just need to RANT. otherwise, i don't know what other stupid things i'll do....explode? actually not...i'll just be super distracted and breakdown....perhaps. i don't know. i rant to forget and clear parts of my brain, so don't make me peeved by reminding me about sad stuff.--

ok...been having a really bad headache of late. those throbbing, on-off ones in the frontal lobe. (that's what they call the front part of the brain, the part near the forehead. that's if i remembered correctly. haha) maybe it's due to lack of sleep, over-usage of my eyes, completely messed-up sleeping timings, etc. actually i do think i know the cause: immense STRESS and thinking too much.

i hate myself for thinking so much about all sorts of rubbish. not just about school work (though i'm still subconsciously thinking about how to do the last question of the periodicity tutorial. chao hard....shucks. i sound like the innate mugger i am), but all sorts of other things, like why am i so annoying and why do i know things, yet not want to do anything about it. that's where a word i learnt this year comes in--i'm really hamji. for the record, hamji means being a scaredy cat in hokkien (or something to that effect. that's the explanation i got when i asked my friend. i don't know hokkien myself and i guess it's kinda loser-ish that i only heard of this word now....hahaha. so much for my dad being hokkien. but i digress...)

to be truthful, i'm just plain scared of the unknown and bad stuff that i anticipate. oh....and i'm scared of people hating me. don't ask me why, just accept it. that statement is the most ironic statement ever, especially since i can think of n reasons for people to hate me. sheesh....i can't stand myself either. it's no wonder i kinda see hate in tia's eyes. actually it's a toss-up between hate and indifference, but i've got this feeling that it's more of hate that i see. there's no other way to explain why tia just made a 180-degree turn. btw, tia refers to THE INTENDED AUDIENCE, not some stupid nickname, surname or initials. i look like i don't really care, but very very honestly, i'm shattered. humpty-dumpty fell off the wall kind of shattered. all the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put humpty together again. ok, maybe not to the extent that i'm beyond saving, just that it might take a looooong time for me to recover. argh......i sound like i'm obsessed with this thing..... yeah, i hate to admit it, but i probably am. argh. how else can something stay in my mind for such a loooooooong time, popping up at random times when i least expect it and getting itself entwined (sp?) in everything else.

it just takes one word, one action and i crumble. i often wonder why i should care so much, but i guess i can't help it. heard something tia said in a second-person form and i just flipped. lost it. just rolled my eyes at that statement and thought of how typical it was of tia. sheesh. but i don't know what i would have done if i heard it 1st-hand. yes....crumble. disintegrate. merge with the ground. just like the less-than-1-second incident. it seems so insignificant, but a wave of melancholy, a flood of morbid thoughts just hit me. BHAM! ultra gut-wrenching. but i don't think tia noticed very much, tia doesn't seem like an observant person (or is the scarier kind of observe and just decides to dao kind of person) somedays, it's torture. serious torment. on other days, i just decide to accept my ill-fate and get on with my life. of course, that's by psycho-ing myself that it's not worth investing so much time/brain power on worthless/hopeless causes.

not like tia would care.

but then again, this is just a whole lot of random rantings put together to take my mind of this spastic thing (and an excuse not to mug...hahah. i still don't know how to do that last periodicity question.)

somedays, i resolve to do something about it. but...jane hamji. as usual. just don't feel that it's proper (and there are people who agree with me...) oh....and coz i can't read minds. i have this feeling that whatever i do to attempt to rectify the prob would be futile anyway, or even have the reverse effect. how the heck do i know what tia expects me to do. maybe that's just the point, tia doesn't expect me to do anything. argh....why is my mind so active in coming up with pseudo-situations and inactive when it comes to doing proper work?

either way, it's pretty shameless to hold on to something that isn't and will never be. i kinda knew that it would turn out this way, but not this abruptly. one must stick to one's principles and mine is that i will never cling on to lost causes. no matter how much pain it causes, i would rather i bear the brunt (argh.....my sp is lyk...sai) of it than let others suffer. i don't think it's considered a sacrifice yet, but that's what i would do. that's one reason why i lurve the last line of jay's jie kou. the very very last line.

bittersweetness. i'll choose to remember the good stuff....shall dao the bad stuff. it's just that i feel so bewildered how can people change with a snap of their fingers. well, there is that extremely over-used statement that explains it: change is the only constant. hahaha...heard it one too many times. how cliche. of course, i'm hoping that it's not a case of 日久见人心....that would suck big time.

you can choose to ignore me. up to you. i'll just take it as time-out while i recuperate. that word looks wrong.....my spelling is really really atrocious.

POSTED BY mysticmalady AT 8:36 PM |

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